


Death Would Be A Blessing

by Damien_Blake_Potter



Series: Damien's Suicidal Harry Potter Stories [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, All Drugs Are Potions, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Alternate Universe - Voldemort Wins, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Harry Potter, Aromantic Luna Lovegood, Asexual Harry Potter, Asexual Luna Lovegood, Asexuality Spectrum, Attempted Murder, BAMF Draco Malfoy, BAMF Harry Potter, BAMF Hermione Granger, BAMF Luna Lovegood, BAMF Neville Longbottom, BAMF Ron Weasley, BAMF Severus Snape, Biromantic Harry Potter, Bisexual Harry Potter, Blood, Blood Magic, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Torture, Blood and Violence, Character Death, Child Death, Child Murder, Dark Magic, Death, Depressed Harry Potter, Depression, Draco Malfoy & Harry Potter Friendship, Draco Malfoy & Ron Weasley Friendship, Draco Malfoy is a Good Friend, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Evil Voldemort (Harry Potter), Flashbacks, Gang Rape, Gay Draco Malfoy, Gen, Genocide, Good Draco Malfoy, Good Severus Snape, Harry Potter & Ron Weasley Friendship, Harry Potter Has Anxiety Attacks, Harry Potter Has Flashbacks, Harry Potter Has Issues, Harry Potter Has Night Terrors, Harry Potter Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Harry Potter Has Panic Attacks, Harry Potter Has Secrets, Harry Potter Has a Saving People Thing, Hermione Granger & Draco Malfoy Friendship, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter Friendship, Hermione Granger & Luna Lovegood Friendship, Hermione Granger is a Good Friend, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Luna Lovegood & Draco Malfoy Friendship, Luna Lovegood & Harry Potter Friendship, Luna Lovegood is a Good Friend, Major Character Injury, Major Character Undeath, Mentor Severus Snape, Mind Rape, Morally Grey Harry Potter, Murder, Night Terrors, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Panromantic Neville Longbottom, Pansexual Neville Longbottom, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Poor Harry, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Severus Snape, Psychological Torture, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Ravenclaw Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley is a Good Friend, Seer Harry Potter, Seer Luna Lovegood, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Harry Potter, Severus Snape Adopts Harry Potter, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Slow To Update, Slytherin Harry Potter, Slytherin Ron Weasley, Suicidal Harry, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Temporary Character Death, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Torture, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:46:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21587827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damien_Blake_Potter/pseuds/Damien_Blake_Potter
Summary: When the Golden Trio try to escape from Malfoy Manor while on the horcrux hunt, Dobby is killed before he can save them. They are given over to the Dark Lord, completely unaware of all of the horrors they would soon face.Harry is held prisoner for over a year as everyone who opposed Voldemort was openly and horrifically tortured and killed in front of him. He was forced to watch as the people he cared about, the people he was supposed to save, were put through unimaginable pain until they were finally gifted with the sweet release of death.In that time, Harry was also tortured to within an inch of his life, over and over again, until he too was begging for death.When Bellatrix Lestrange leaves Harry's cell after yet another torture session, he sees his chance to finally end his suffering. He ends his life using a Black dagger that the insane woman had accidentally left behind within his reach.Harry certainly didn't expect to wake up again, and he definitely didn't expect to wake up back in 1991 on his eleventh birthday.
Relationships: Harry Potter & Severus Snape
Series: Damien's Suicidal Harry Potter Stories [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1513334
Comments: 24
Kudos: 368





	Death Would Be A Blessing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many fic ideas just waiting to be written, so I figured I'd write one of them! 
> 
> ⚠ If any of the tags trigger you or make you uncomfortable then please be careful if you still choose to read this story!
> 
> ⚠ This chapter has minor references to suicide, past character deaths, and child abuse. (The child abuse is a little worse then in canon.)
> 
> I beta my own work, so if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes then please tell me so I can fix them!
> 
> *Some quotes are taken directly from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone.*
> 
> I hope you enjoy this first chapter!

* * *

Darkness...

Silence...

Painless...

Peace...

...This had to be death right?

 _Right._ Harry tried to reassure himself, _There is no possible way that I survived a blade straight to the heart._

Harry felt like he was floating in open air, completely weightless. It was... Relaxing. It had been _so long_ since he had felt any kind of reprieve from the horrible pain that had been plaguing him since the horrific torture had begun. He felt so calm, so free. He felt... Safe.

But all good things must come to an end, as Harry discovered when he suddenly had the sensation that he was free falling. He opened his mouth to scream, but no sound escaped. He tried to flail his arms, but he couldn't seem to move, it was like he had no control over his body.

Harry's free fall abruptly came to an end, as he felt himself slam onto a hard and dusty surface. All the air was immediately knocked out of him, and he coughed to try to catch his breath, slowly becoming aware that he could now move and make sound.

He cautiously raised his head and took a quick look around. He appeared to be in a old, run down shack — that was currently in the middle of a storm if the sounds outside were anything to go by — and he was laying on the floor, next to an old sofa... Which had a body laying on it.

Harry sat up slightly to get a better look, only to fall back onto the dirty ground in shock as he recognized who was on the sofa. _Dudley..._

Harry hadn't seen Dudley since he had left Number 4, Privet Drive for good. He had been told by Voldemort himself that the entire Dursley family had been burned alive in what was supposed to be their safe house, along with their guards, Hestia and Diggle.

That was when Harry noticed that something was... _Different..._ about Dudley. He looked younger, _a lot younger,_ since the last time he'd seen him.

Harry slowly looked around at his surroundings once more, a sense of disbelief and slight hope starting to fill him. He recognized this place now... This was the shack that Uncle Vernon, in his quest to hide from the owls and the letters and the _wizards,_ had rented for Merlin knows how long, only for Hagrid to show up the same night in order to hand deliver Harry's letter.

But the possibility that had entered Harry's mind was impossible, right? There's _no way_ he could've gone back in time... Is there?

Harry shakily stood up, and stumbled a bit when he realized how _short_ he now was. Sure, he'd never been the tallest person around, but this was just ridiculous. Harry quietly walked to the back of the room, which had a small, filthy, and cracked mirror hanging on the wall. He used the sleeve of his large shirt, which used to be Dudley's, to carefully clean the mirror as much as he could, and then he looked at himself in the reflective surface.

Harry gasped in shock at his face, which was much more childlike and soft than he remembered it being the last time he had looked in the mirror. With every new discovery, Harry was feeling more and more inclined to believe that he was either dreaming, which shouldn't be possible either since the Dark Lord had forced a Dreamless Sleep addiction on him, or he really had somehow managed the impossible, and had time traveled more than _seven years_ into the past. How or why, Harry didn't know. But he did know that if this really _was_ time travel, then he did not want to waste this opportunity, for it would likely never come again.

BOOM.

Harry jumped about a foot in the air. Ah, it looked like Hagrid had arrived. Harry moved a bit closer to Dudley and the sofa.

BOOM.

Dudley jerked awake, and just like the first time around, he said, "Where's the cannon?"

They heard a crash behind them, and then Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room with the rifle he had bought in his hands.

"Who's there!" He shouted. "I warn you — I'm armed!"

There was a pause. Then —

SMASH!

The door was hit with such force that it swung clear off its hinges and with a deafening crash landed flat on the floor.

Hagrid was standing in the doorway. He squeezed his way into the shack, reached down, picked up the door, and fitted it easily back into its frame. Then he turned to look at them all.

"Couldn't make us a cup o' tea could yeh? It's not been an easy journey..."

He strode over to the sofa where Dudley sat frozen with fear.

"Budge up, yeh great lump." Hagrid said.

Dudley squeaked and ran to hide behind his mother, who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vernon. Harry struggled to hold back a snort of amusement. He had been too confused the first time around to be amused by the Dursley's fear of Hagrid, but now that he knew what has going on, he found their fear to be _hilarious._

"An' here's Harry!" Hagrid said cheerfully.

Harry looked up at Hagrid, and returned the smile that the gentle half-giant was giving him. As far as he knew, Hagrid had never been found by the Death Eaters. He had no idea where his giant friend had been hiding, but he was glad that Hagrid had been spared the horrible fate that had befallen so many others who openly supported Harry.

"Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," Hagrid told him, "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mum's eyes."

Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise.

"I demand that you leave at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"

"Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune," Hagrid said; he reached over the back of the sofa, jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands, bent it into a knot as easily as if it had been made of rubber, and threw it into a corner of the room. Harry covered his mouth to smother a laugh.

Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on.

"Anyway — Harry," Hagrid said, turning his back on the Dursleys, "a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here — I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste all right."

From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. Harry knew what it was, so he opened it eagerly. Inside was a large, sticky chocolate cake with _Happy Birthday Harry_ written on it in green icing. Harry teared up slightly at the sight of his first, that he could remember, birthday cake. After everything he had gone through — _Don't think about it... It's over now, and it_ won't _happen again... Don't think about it...! —_ the sight of such a simple act of kindness was nearly overwhelming.

Harry looked up at Hagrid, smiled, and said what he had meant to say the first time around, "Thank you."

Hagrid chuckled, "It was no trouble at all, Harry... It's not everyday a young man turns eleven now is it?"

Harry laughed lightly as he carefully placed his birthday cake on the floor next to the sofa, "True. I'm sorry — but I don't believe you've introduced yourself Mr..."

"Ah yes, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts." He held out an enormous hand and shook Harry's whole arm.

"What about that tea then, eh?" He said, rubbing his hands together. "I'd not say no ter summat stronger if yeh've got it, mind."

Hagrid looked towards the fireplace and snorted. Harry watched him bend over, and though he could see what Hagrid was doing, he knew he was using his wand to light a fire. And sure enough, a roaring fire soon sprang to life, filling the damp shack with light and warmth.

Hagrid sat back and began taking things out of his coat pockets: a copper kettle, a squashy package of sausages, a poker, a teapot, several chipped mugs, and a bottle of some amber liquid that he took a swig from before starting to make tea. Soon the shack was full of the sound and smell of sizzling sausage. Harry felt his stomach growl and his mouth water, it had been a long time since he'd ate something other then bread, water, and nutrient potions. Voldemort had ordered that he be given the bare minimum in order to survive, but also to keep him weak and feeling hunger pains.

When Hagrid slid the first six fat, juicy, slightly burnt sausages from the poker, Dudley fidgeted a little. Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you Dudley."

Hagrid chuckled darkly.

"Yer great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley, don' worry."

Harry tried, he really did, but he just couldn't hold back the bark of laughter that escaped him. Uncle Vernon glared at him angrily, but Harry ignored him as Hagrid gave him a smile. The half-giant passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry he would've thought that he'd never tasted anything so wonderful, only he remembered what Mrs. Weasley's cooking taste like, and knew nothing could beat her meals. Seeing as nobody seemed about to say anything more, Harry decided to speak up, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know why you're here." That was a complete lie of course, but Harry figured it'd be kinda suspicious if he didn't question what was happening.

Hagrid took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Harry saw Aunt Petunia cringe away in disgust.

"I'm here ter take yeh ter get yeh school supplies for Hogwarts," He said, "Yeh'll know all about Hogwarts o' course."

"Of course." Harry nodded.

The Dursley's eyes all bugged out in shock and disbelief.

"Now wait just a minute—" Uncle Vernon started, face turning purple, "you mean to say, that despite all of our efforts to keep you away from any of that... That... _freakishness..._ all of our hard work was a waste?" Harry nodded with a smirk while Hagrid narrowed his eyes at the obese muggle, "After everything we've done for you boy—"

Harry felt a sudden surge of anger come over him, "Oh fuck off Vernon, you lot haven't done shit for me!" Harry glared at his Uncle, completely ignoring Hagrid's noise of shock and confusion.

Uncle Vernon roared and tried to charge at Harry, but his advance was stopped by Hagrid when the half-giant stood up and pointed his umbrella — which Harry knew was actually his wand — right at the obese man's face.

"Don't even think abou' it, Dursley." Hagrid growled.

Uncle Vernon visibly swelled with rage, but he had enough self-preservation to back off. Harry continued to glare at the man. He was done being afraid of his muggle relatives. After everything Voldemort had put him through — the _p_ _ain,_ the _terror,_ the _horror —_ their treatment of him, while appalling, seemed like a walk in the park.

"Now," Hagrid started slowly, retaking his seat, "What was that about keepin' Harry away from our world?"

"Oh yeah," Harry jumped in, "They never told me about Hogwarts or magic or any of that. They even lied about how my parents died, saying they died in a car crash—"

"CAR CRASH!" roared Hagrid, jumping up again so angrily that the Dursleys scuttled back to their corner. "How could a car crash kill Lily an' James Potter? It's an outrage! A scandal! Harry Potter not bein' told his own story when every kid in our world knows his name!"

"It's alright Hagrid." Harry tried to calm his large friend, "I know what really happened. I know You-Know-Who killed them." Harry said, knowing Hagrid wouldn't appreciate him using the dark wizard's name.

The anger faded from Hagrid's face. He looked suddenly confused.

"If these great buffoons never told yeh, then how do yeh know what happened?"

Harry hesitated, he knew what he was going to say, but he wanted to make it seem like it was hard for him to talk about. He didn't want Hagrid asking too many hard to answer questions.

"Well," Harry started, shuffling his feet, "I... I have a really good memory. I can remember quite a few things from when I was a baby. My... My parent's deaths being one of them." He glanced up at Hagrid's expression, glad to see the stricken, yet sympathetic look being sent his way. He felt a little bad about making Hagrid upset, but this was the only way he could explain how he knew about his parent's fate without raising more questions.

Hagrid wiped at his eyes, "Yer mum an' dad were two of the nicest people I ever had the pleasure of meetin'. It's a real tragedy, what happened to 'em."

Harry nodded and looked away to give Hagrid a moment to compose himself.

After a moment, Hagrid sighed, "Anyway, I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter."

Harry stretched out his hand and took the offered yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green ink to Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:

> HOGWARTS SCHOOL
> 
> _of_ WITCHCRAFT _and_ WIZARDRY
> 
> * * *
> 
> Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
> 
> _(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_
> 
> Dear Mr. Potter,
> 
> We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
> 
> Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
> 
> Yours sincerely,
> 
> _Minerva Mcgonagall_
> 
> Minerva McGonagall,
> 
> _Deputy Headmistress_

Harry smiled down at the letter that had changed his life. Then he looked up at Hagrid, "Since you hand delivered my letter, do they still require my owl?"

"Gallopin' Gorgons, that reminds me," said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with enough force to knock over a cart horse, and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat he pulled an owl — a real, live, rather ruffled-looking owl — a long quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue between his teeth he scribbled a note that Harry could read upside down:

> **Dear Professor Dumbledore,**
> 
> **Given Harry his letter.**
> 
> **Taking him to buy his things tomorrow.**
> 
> **Weather's horrible. Hope you're well.**
> 
> **Hagrid**

Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the owl, which clamped it in its beak, went to the door, and threw the owl out into the storm. Then he came back and sat down.

"Where were we?" said Hagrid, but at that moment, Uncle Vernon, still ashen-faced but looking very angry, moved into the light.

"He's not going," he said.

Hagrid grunted.

"I'd like ter see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said.

"We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to that rubbish," said Uncle Vernon, "swore we'd stamp it out of him! Wizard indeed!"

"Oh for Merlin's sake!" Harry burst out, ignoring the way his Uncle glared at him, "You lot cannot possibly be that daft! Especially _you_ Petunia! You grew up with my mother, and you know perfectly well that you can't just _'stamp out'_ a wizard's magic! I am going to Hogwarts and there is not a damn thing any of you can do about it!"

"Now, you listen here, boy," Uncle Vernon snarled, "You will _not_ speak to us like that. I accept there's something strange about you, probably nothing a good beating wouldn't have cured—"

"Did you not listen to a single word I just said?" Harry interrupted, "You can't just _'beat'_ a wizards magic away, if that were possible, I surely would be no better than a muggle by now from how many times you've taken to using me like a punching bag!"

Uncle Vernon paled drastically, while Aunt Petunia and Dudley gasped in shock at Harry's lack of tact. Harry had just broken the number 1 rule in the Dursley household: What happens at Number 4 Privet Drive, stays in Number 4 Privet Drive. That means no telling anyone about what goes on behind closed doors, and Harry had just admitted to being beaten while in the presence of an outsider. As quickly as he had paled, Uncle Vernon turned red, and then purple, looking so angry Harry was surprised that steam wasn't coming out of his ears.

Before Uncle Vernon could do more than take a threatening step towards Harry, Hagrid had stood up and grabbed the collar of his pajama shirt, shaking the muggle man angrily. He seemed to have completely forgotten about his wand.

"IF I EVER HEAR ABOU' YOU TOUCHIN' ONE HAIR ON HARRY'S HEAD AGAIN, YOU WON'T LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER SUNRISE DURSLEY!" Hagrid thundered, spittle landing all over Uncle Vernon's face. Harry leaned back in surprise, he had not expected Hagrid's reaction at all; he rather thought that it was a bit extreme.

Hagrid shoved the heavy man away, and then pointed at all three of the Dursleys, "That goes for all three of yeh, understand?" All three Dursleys hurriedly nodded their heads, shaking from head to toe in terror. Harry had to hold in his laughter when he noticed the wet patch on Dudley's pants; his cousin had wet himself. While Harry didn't really have a problem with Dudley after the dementor attack the summer before fifth year, this Dudley was still just a spoiled bully who was following in his father's footsteps.

Hagrid glanced at Dudley's pants and snorted in disgust.

That was when both Harry and Hagrid noticed Harry's birthday cake was lying half-eaten in it's box on the floor behind Dudley. Harry was surprised that he hadn't noticed Dudley taking and eating his cake, but he guessed that Uncle Vernon had proved to be quite the distraction. Harry was also quite pissed off that his cousin ate his first ever — that he could remember — birthday cake. He didn't know if Dudley had taken it the first time around, but now that he thought back on it, he had completely forgotten about his cake once Hagrid had revealed that he was a wizard, so it was entirely possible that Dudley had stolen the cake and he just never noticed.

It seemed that Dudley's theft pissed Hagrid off as well, for he growled and pointed his flowery pink umbrella at Dudley — there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp squeal, and the next second, Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat bottom, howling in pain. When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig's tail poking through a hole in his trousers. Harry burst out laughing, thoroughly enjoying Dudley's punishment for eating his cake. 

Uncle Vernon roared. Pulling Aunt Petunia and Dudley into the other room, he cast one last terrified look at Hagrid, one last glare at Harry, and slammed the door behind them. 

Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and stroked his beard.

"Shouldn'ta lost me temper," he said ruefully, "but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do."

He cast a sideways look at Harry under his bushy eyebrows.

"Be grateful if yeh didn't mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts," he said. "I'm — er — not supposed ter do magic, strictly speakin'. I was allowed ter do a bit ter follow yeh an' get yer letters to yeh an' stuff — one o' the reasons I was so keen ter take on the job —"

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry, although he knew why.

"Oh, well — I was at Hogwarts meself but I — er — got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wand in half an' everything. But Dumbledore let me stay on as gamekeeper. Great man, Dumbledore."

"I'm sorry they did that to you Hagrid." Harry said sincerely as he patted Hagrid's arm in sympathy.

"Eh, it's alright. I'm just happy I got ter stay at Hogwarts. But thank you, Harry." Hagrid smiled down at him. "Anyways, it's gettin' late and we've got lots ter do tomorrow. Gotta get up ter town, get all yer books an' that."

He took off his thick black coat and threw it to Harry. 

"You can kip under that," he said. "Don' mind if it wiggles a bit, I think I still got a couple o' dormice in one o' the pockets."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> Please tell me what you think so far in the comments, and leave a kodos if you enjoyed it! Constructive criticism is welcome!
> 
> *Also, as Harry starts to change things, I'll use less and less quotes from the book(s). So don't worry about that!*


End file.
